You guys know I’m an open book for the most part and that I keep it real, in the ‘realest’ way. So, before we get deep into this storytelling, this is MY life and MY experience. If you feel a way about it, #sorrynotsorry. Now that the housekeeping is done, listen up. This may be the rawest you’ve ever read me be, but I am allowed one, cool?
I don’t like being a parent sometimes. If I was on a rooftop, the top of K9, or at the Grand Canyon, I would yell this from my gut, “I DON’T LIKE BEING A PARENT!” Ok, I feel better. Sometimes you have to get that shit out.
Now, I know to some of you, this sounds selfish or just horrible, in general, and maybe even a little insensitive. But, when you hear what I’m going to tell you, you will understand why. This is not for the mothers who have lost their kids to soon, or the wanna-be moms out there just praying for a baby. I feel you and and I empathize with you, truly. But this is not for the faint at heart. This is for my mothers, who want to sometimes, put their size 7 shoe on the necks of their bad-ass 12-18 year olds!
Here it goes.
My 12-year old daughter was suspended from school today because she said something stupid! She was “joking,” called herself trying to get attention (which she got alright) when a teacher overhead her say: “I have a glock in my pocket”. What the F-bleep! A what! Yes a ‘glock’, a ‘9’, a pistol or whatever the hell you wish to call it. She said she had a gun in her pocket.
Now, at first, I was pissed at the school because I thought it was a little overboard to suspend her for that, but as quickly as I thought it, that thought left. Then I was mad at the teacher. I asked the Dean “what witnesses were around that heard this?”, “how can you be certain this is even true?” She admitted to saying IT! Oh hell nah! I couldn’t blame anyone, but my child.
I’d decided that the school acted accordingly, especially with how things are these days. Too many school shootings, and too many children lives lost. My heart sinks for them. They were right to take it so seriously, even though they said they didn’t view her as a threat. While that gives me some comfort, at the same time, it really didn’t.
She knows better! Why she would allow such a terrible comment to fly out of her mouth is beyond me. Trust me, I asked her and there was nothing she could say to explain herself. She couldn’t explain where she heard it from, or why that particular thought came to mind and it just made me more frustrated, confused and upset.
After I spoke to her and after asking “why, why, why” a 100 times, I left her to her writing punishment, left over schoolwork and studying. Later that evening, I asked again and she was apologetic. Then I realized that perhaps there is another side to this that I’m not looking at. Maybe she’s lacking somewhere? For her to make such a drastic statement for “attention” could there be an underlying reason to all of this?
As a parent, I’m embarrassed. I feel horrible that my child has to walk around with such a negative stigma on her back. I feel horrible that this is permanently on her record and that she may be looked at now as a “problem child”. I feel well, a little defeated. I feel like I failed somewhere in this situation, but instead of me trying to figure out where I went wrong, I’m praying and just focusing on my daughter.
I love my daughter more than the air I breathe, but there isn’t a damn thing I can do to prevent those things from happening, but pray. All I know how to do these days is pray. She is a bright, intelligent and beautiful young girl, and she made a bad choice and I know I have to forgive her.
When I finally spoke to my Mom (her grandma) about this, (earlier I’d said I didn’t want to talk about it) and my significant other, they were both, understandably, upset. More so, they were disappointed in her. It’s our jobs to watch over her life, we are responsible and we want the best for her. I can only hope that she will learn from today and never want to face these consequences ever again.
When it comes to things like this, kneel in prayer because that’s really all you can do, right? As parents, especially as moms, we need to talk with our children, teach them and do our best to protect them. Be present with them, devote individual time with them, make sure that they know that are loved.
Standing in the middle of my foyer, my Mom, oldest daughter and I stood together and the three of us prayed for our family. In that prayer, we prayed for Angels to watch over us and for all of us to make better decisions.
My daughter will be writing two letters of apology. One to the teacher and one to the principal and doing more work. Can’t let her get off too easy. Then it will be time to rebuild our mother and daughter duo, for I know, this too shall pass.
Today, was a huge lesson and eye-opener for me. Let this be a lesson to you as well.0